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Child Sexual Abuse

by Peggy Haymes, M.Div., MA

Some years ago a newspaper editor in Waco, Texas wrote an editorial in which he called child sexual abuse a "fad," alleging that people were coming forward as survivors because it was the "in thing" to do.

Sadly, we have learned how very wrong he was. Millions of adults are survivors of child sexual abuse ranging from fondling and molestation to rape and prostitution. While it’s impossible for a newsletter to address the topic in depth, this issue will look at several perspectives on surviving and healing.

"The victims and their ruined lives..."

I read that phrase at the end of an article in a major news magazine, referring to those who had been sexually abused by priests. It just goes to show you that even major news magazines can get it wrong.

When dinner is ruined, we throw it out. If a life is ruined, then there’s not much hope for that person. That’s why it’s important that we make the distinction between life being ruined and life being different. The experience of child sexual abuse is deeply wounding and does indeed forever change that person’s life. On the other hand, what we have learned in the past twenty years is that it is possible to heal. Survivors may live wonderful, joyful lives. Healing is not easy and is not quick, but it is possible. I liken it to the scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Andy Duphrame swims through the sewage tunnel to freedom. The process of healing can feel like swimming through the sewage, but if you keep swimming you can emerge into healing.

Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused as a child. I don’t know of anyone who looks at her and says, "Poor woman. What a wasted, ruined life."

memories...

Over the last ten years there has been a lot of controversy about the reliability of memories of abuse that surface years after the fact. There are those who argue that every single memory of abuse that surfaces after having been repressed is false and there are those who argue just as strongly that every detail of every memory is literally true. What research has shown us is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

When children are being abused, some children do repress the memory of that abuse as a way of coping. What they suffered may have been too much for their child’s mind to handle and process, and so it gets tucked away, like putting something away in a closet. We know this because some survivors have had those memories corroborated, either by the abuser, by other family members or by medical records. For example, Marilyn VanDerber was known for having been Miss America in the 50’s. After her father’s death, she began having memories of her father’s sexual abuse of her. When she shared this with her mother, her mother said it was impossible for him to have done this. At that point Marilyn’s sister spoke up and said, "It’s true - because he did the same thing to me. And I have always remembered."

So, some memories are true. On the other hand, our memory is open to suggestion. If someone tells us enough times that something is true, we may begin to believe it. Unfortunately, there have been people hurt by those who insisted that they must have been abused as a child and they were going to work until they found those memories.

The other factor is that while the substance of the memory may be accurate (having been abused), the details may not be (the identity of the perpetrator, for example). I used to tell people that when I was fifteen, it snowed three Wednesdays in a row one winter. I knew I was fifteen because I remember riding in a car with one of my friends (who was sixteen). A few years ago, during another bad winter, a newspaper story mentioned that time. The only problem was, it hadn’t happened when I was fifteen - it happened when I was eight. I think that in my mind the event of riding with my friend on a snow day and telling her about the event got combined with the actual event. So, if you ask whether or not it’s true that it snowed three Wednesdays in a row when I was fifteen, I would have to say that memory was false. If, however, you ask if I have lived that experience at some point in my life, then that memory is true.

My position as a counselor is that I trust the wisdom that has enabled people to survive. If a memory was "tucked away in a closet," then it was put there for a reason. If a person needs to remember that event in order to heal, then that survivor part of them will allow that memory to surface when it’s time, when they are strong enough and ready enough. I do not believe in "digging around" for memories. And I also do not believe that you have to remember everything that has every happened in order to heal fully.

"It was no big deal..."

Another way that children cope is through something called minimizing, telling themselves that what happened to them wasn’t all that bad.

Abuse is abuse. While the length and severity of the abuse will affect the shape and length of the healing journey, there is no abuse that isn’t "a big deal." It only takes a single incident of molestation to violate a child’s sense of trust and well-being. (The good news, however, is that we are finding that when a child is able to tell, is believed and receives help immediately, the impact can be lessened. Part of the wounding comes in having to keep such a terrible secret.)

Minimizing is not a logical act. People who were brutally and repeatedly raped as children may also say, "It was no big deal." Part of the healing process is the grief that comes when survivors allow themselves to realize that it really was a big deal. The other side of that coin is when survivors can appreciate the magnitude of the wounding, they can begin to see and appreciate their equally enormous strength, courage and creativity that enabled them to survive.

not just girls

One of the good things to come from the recent crisis in the Catholic Church is that the news coverage has reminded us that it isn’t just little girls who are sexually abused. While our awareness of the sexual abuse of girls has increased over the last twenty years, our recognition of the experience of boys has been much slower. Part of the problem is the double standard in our culture when it comes to sexuality. If a thirty-five year old man initiates sex with a thirteen year old girl, she is understood to be a victim. However, if a thirty-five year old woman initiates sex with a thirteen year old boy, in at least some circles, he is seen as a stud. But in both cases, it is abuse.

Men are hampered in seeking healing not only by that message, but by the cultural message that a "real man" doesn’t need help and by the belief that since sexual abuse only happens to girls, there must be something doubly wrong with them. Abuse itself generates shame, and these other factors can work to increase that sense of shame, creating a roadblock to help.

The fact is that both boys and girls have been abused, and they have been abused by both men and women. And the fact that both male and female survivors deserve healing.

"Forget it, it’s all in the past..."

Sometimes friends and family members of survivors may question why they are spending so much time focusing on things that happened so many years ago. "Can’t you just let go of it? It happened in the past - just move on." I don’t know of any survivors who wouldn’t dearly love to be able just "to move on." But until they are dealt with, wounds from the past continue to shape the present. The paradox is that in order to be able to move on and be free from that past, survivors must first focus a great deal of their time and energy on the past. To tell a survivor, "Just forget about it and move on" makes as much sense as telling someone with a broken arm, "You broke that arm last week. Why don’t you just forget about it and move on?" Healing has to be done, and healing takes as long as it takes. But the good news is that healing can happen, and survivors can become free to create lives of their own choosing.

a question of power

One of the things that happens when a child is abused is that the child experiences a profound sense of helplessness. Children learn they are powerless - they cannot stop this thing from happening. Unable to speak the truth of what is happening in their lives, they stop believing that they have a voice. While an adult doesn’t have that same kind of powerlessness, it can feel that way. They may feel powerless to say no, whether it’s to an abusive relationship or to the request to head up the cookie drive. They may feel like they are perpetual victims, unable to make choices and initiate actions.

Part of the healing process is reclaiming that sense of personal power, the power to speak the truth (even when that truth means saying "no" to someone) and the power to create their own lives.

Making the decision to heal is the first step in that direction. Whether it comes in the form of reading a book, joining a support group, going to a workshop or beginning therapy, taking that step means that the survivors are no longer willing for their abuser to dictate the terms of their lives.

A woman wrote a letter to the editor protesting the light sentence given to a child molester. She wrote that she had been molested as a child and her sentence was "a lifelong one. I will never be able to trust a man again." That’s the voice of a victim. Because this happened to me, I will never...

The reality is that people who were victimized can heal and reclaim their power so that they are able to say, "I was molested a child, but my abuser no longer has control of my life. I am choosing to trust people whom I find to be trustworthy. I am choosing to live my life out of love and hope, not fear."

a bright and shining dream

I dreamed that I saw a group of people gathered in a mountain meadow. They were covered in bandages. As I watched, the bandages fell off one by one, and I saw that they were covered with scars. But it was a beautiful sight, not a terrible one, for from each one of those scars shone the purest, most lovely light my eyes have ever been privileged to see.

And the scarred, shining people were dancing.

© 2002 Peggy Haymes

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